Fly my babies, fly high

9^th April 2018 - an extremely important date for me.

I learned something important today. Something from Shreya and Shivansh.

After 7 months of fun times in the mother-toddler program, my babies started pre nursery today.  For days, I dreaded the first day of their school. I visualized two howling toddlers rushing out of the class, searching for their mom and nanny waiting to be picked up, their eyes red and noses gushing a thick and sticky fluid (urgghh…you get the picture!). There were nights when so many questions made me so nervous -

How will they adjust? 
How will they be on their own (they’re only 2)? 
How will they do without mom or nanny by their side? 

There never has been a time when I left them with people I don’t trust blindly.  

While on my way to the school, I kept telling myself to be strong. I should have clicked their 'first day at preschool pic' but anxiety got the better of me. We were at the reception and the teacher announced that it was time for the first class. I, with a heavy heart, sneaked out. The next 2 hours took forever and I kept pacing all over the school in anticipation (with a constant and strong urge to peek inside their class). As one of their classes got over and the kids went for the next, I couldn't help myself but take feedback from the teacher. What came next was unbelievable. To my complete disbelief, she said both the kids were doing great and weren’t looking for me or the nanny. I managed a faint smile at her. 

Well, to be honest, I should have been an extremely happy, relieved and proud mom. But I was disappointed. My silly heart cringed thinking my babies don’t need me anymore. I know, I know...totally stupid.

But yes, the thing that I learned today was that I must let go. I can already see them growing two tinniest wings, getting ready to face the world and becoming independent. So, fly my babies, fly high and feel free and confident to tell the world to bring it on. 

P.S. tomorrow is another day and I don’t want to be overconfident. I hope tomorrow is even better than today. Let’s do this one day at a time babies.

I must and I will

When I sometimes have ideas of blogs that am just about to write, I think to myself – my god, was my sole purpose in life to get fat and procreate?

I can’t think of anything better, so yes, the birth of my twins has been the best thing that happened to me in my almost 40 years of my life. Momentary happy times have been there but gone by quickly. These two kids have some miraculous power to fill my heart with unadulterated love and keep the happy times going from one day to the next (it’s another story that am filled with frustration just the next moment of experiencing extreme happiness but it’s true for all moms so I’ll leave it at that).

Being able to produce these two amazing human beings has made me at least strongly believe in something. If you believe that you can do something, you can. Just like the incredible meaning of kun faya kun - be, and it is.

 A human can achieve anything. You must be hopelessly hopeful and terribly confident. So yes, I will get better at work, I will work towards bettering my skills, I will train my mind to sleep less and work more, I will be more self-reliant, I will lose weight (and hopefully have a deadline to it too), I will be more energetic, I will be mentally agile, I will not be afraid of new challenges or changes and I will strive to give my babies the best and I will garner the strength to do it. And trust me, if I can, so can you.

P.S. that pic is obviously an exaggeration to make you read this blog. I’m not this fat. Maybe half the size :-p

Letter to Shivansh on your Second Birthday

My boy Shivansh,

Happy Birthday Shivansh.

I see an innocent, perceptive and extremely sensitive child behind your naughty eyes. But you do scare us with your pranks and fearless adventures. I know you constantly seek attention and will cling to the person who gives it to you. I just hope that you don’t turn into a spoilt brat coz then you’ll see a mommy you’ll like not.

You’re an outdoor person (and learner) that we understand. I just hope we’re able to channelise your hyper energies to your own good. I’d love to see you play sports (but that’s about me). I’d love to see you explore what you love to do. I hope your transformation from two to three will see you become less cranky and clingy and be nicer to your sister.

Laugh my baby, your laughter is infectious.

Don’t want to become but turning into one, your helicopter mommy

Letter to Shreya on your Second Birthday

My doll Shreya,

Happy Birthday Shreya.

Sometimes I think what was I doing before you were there to make me feel so important. These 2 years have been super crazy for me and it breaks my heart to think that you wouldn’t embrace me so tight and plead to be picked up maybe sooner than I’d like. But remember that I can sing nursery rhymes for you all my life and have you sing with me. We can together count till 20 coz the way you say 20 or say the name of the colour orange just makes my day.

I can have you disturb my sleep all my life by trying to cling to me and trying to push your hands under my neck. 

I feel immensely proud to see you solve puzzles and sort shapes in no time and with great concentration. I hope I can always provide you with what you love to do. It seems your laughter is the reason we live. It’s so uninhibited, genuine and infectious. 

Grow confident and fearless my baby, and go smack your brother if he hits you.

Don’t want to but sadly turning into one - your overprotective mom

The place we call home

It’s so easy to aspire but difficult to transpire. Everyone dreams of a bigger home and when our time has come, it feels I leave behind a part of me. When does a house become almost like your child, it’s hard to say. Somewhere between its walls and windows are the carefree days, the chilly nights on the terrace where we watched the stars and the planes, the barbecue with friends, the scenic and not so scenic view from the balcony. We hardly took holidays since this place has given us days of 'eat, sleep and then repeat'. It’s been our party house, the place where we could see and touch the raindrops, it's been my cozy hideout during pregnancy. The movie house, our binging ground, and a place where peace prevails despite an absolute noisy neighborhood.

It’s a place where we have grown (in size, only I) and learned how to manage on our own. From the disappointing heartbreaks, this home has seen us celebrating for so many reasons. The little playground for our monkeys, and their small place to play hide and seek.

They say it takes years to have the house your heart desires, I say it takes a lifetime to get a home out of your mind. Some day as we will sit back to sip our coffee at leisure, I know for sure, that we will be missing this place where we feel at home, and all the memories that we have created here.

Luxuries I can afford no more

It’s strange that I don’t have childhood memories of a time when I was very young. It begins with a time when I was 10 or 11 years old. Every evening, after my homework, my ritual was to invade the neighbor’s house to wake up a sleeping friend to persuade her to play. Or go to this friend who stayed two blocks away and had a lush green park where we could play for hours. As the evening turned darker, I would return home to my hot dinner. If at all, my mom had to call me home early, she would call the aunt’s landline and that aunt in return screeched from her window and conveyed mom’s message. At the age of 10 or maybe younger, I remember going to the nearby market alone for my fill of candies or chips and I also remember helping mom with some basic errands like buying the groceries and vegetables. I had my own garden and explored every bit of the fallen leaves, dug out stones from the mud, played with the insects and walked bare footed on the grass. I played there alone for hours, and a lot of times with friends and cousins.

All of that, yes all of that without any mobile phones or staying connected at all times. I am not here today to rant about how technology or mobiles have snooped into our lives and spoilt every bit of a slow and simple life.

My concern is a different one.

I so hate to admit that I wouldn’t allow Shreya and Shivansh to enjoy the simplicities that I enjoyed. These simplicities are luxuries now that I can no longer afford. The newspaper, every day, has some or the other terrifying incident that makes me protect my babies all the more. Am I turning paranoid? Perhaps I am. Honestly, I hate this city for turning me into a terrified mom and a scared person. I hate this place for the rash and drunken drivers. I hate this place for the increasing number of monsters. I hate this place for people ready to stoop low. I hate this place for the pretentious who think everything starts and ends with their façade. I hate this place for the callousness and casualness for kids and the elderly. I hate this place of its insensitivity. I hate myself for hating everything so much and not doing anything about it.

And rapists, I don’t even want to start talking about them. I wonder how many petitions it will take to stop it all. I’m not sure how many Facebook posts and shares will make them vanish. As I write this, there a monster walking free and unaffected, making more of them fearless and monstrous. 

Let's find us together

Your tiny arms around me,

Feel like the first rain drop,

In a loving embrace with the dry parched ground,

The ground that wishes to embrace all of you.

That little mischievous curve on your lips,

Feels like the first rain drop,

Infusing life in the dry and lifeless leaf,

The leaf that wishes to thrive on your liveliness.

You drench me to exhausation,

I want to be drenched more,

I am totally lost,

Don't leave me behind,

Hold my finger, hold my heart,

Take me with you to find us together.