Luxuries I can afford no more

It’s strange that I don’t have childhood memories of a time when I was very young. It begins with a time when I was 10 or 11 years old. Every evening, after my homework, my ritual was to invade the neighbor’s house to wake up a sleeping friend to persuade her to play. Or go to this friend who stayed two blocks away and had a lush green park where we could play for hours. As the evening turned darker, I would return home to my hot dinner. If at all, my mom had to call me home early, she would call the aunt’s landline and that aunt in return screeched from her window and conveyed mom’s message. At the age of 10 or maybe younger, I remember going to the nearby market alone for my fill of candies or chips and I also remember helping mom with some basic errands like buying the groceries and vegetables. I had my own garden and explored every bit of the fallen leaves, dug out stones from the mud, played with the insects and walked bare footed on the grass. I played there alone for hours, and a lot of times with friends and cousins.

All of that, yes all of that without any mobile phones or staying connected at all times. I am not here today to rant about how technology or mobiles have snooped into our lives and spoilt every bit of a slow and simple life.

My concern is a different one.

I so hate to admit that I wouldn’t allow Shreya and Shivansh to enjoy the simplicities that I enjoyed. These simplicities are luxuries now that I can no longer afford. The newspaper, every day, has some or the other terrifying incident that makes me protect my babies all the more. Am I turning paranoid? Perhaps I am. Honestly, I hate this city for turning me into a terrified mom and a scared person. I hate this place for the rash and drunken drivers. I hate this place for the increasing number of monsters. I hate this place for people ready to stoop low. I hate this place for the pretentious who think everything starts and ends with their façade. I hate this place for the callousness and casualness for kids and the elderly. I hate this place of its insensitivity. I hate myself for hating everything so much and not doing anything about it.

And rapists, I don’t even want to start talking about them. I wonder how many petitions it will take to stop it all. I’m not sure how many Facebook posts and shares will make them vanish. As I write this, there a monster walking free and unaffected, making more of them fearless and monstrous. 

Let's find us together

Your tiny arms around me,

Feel like the first rain drop,

In a loving embrace with the dry parched ground,

The ground that wishes to embrace all of you.

That little mischievous curve on your lips,

Feels like the first rain drop,

Infusing life in the dry and lifeless leaf,

The leaf that wishes to thrive on your liveliness.

You drench me to exhausation,

I want to be drenched more,

I am totally lost,

Don't leave me behind,

Hold my finger, hold my heart,

Take me with you to find us together.

Letter to Shreya and Shivansh on your first birthday

Wow, has it already been a year? So dear munchkins, sorry but your mom is not going to say the usual. Both of you can (probably) already sense that you have an eccentric mom.

Yes, you both have completed me in unimaginable and the most loving ways but I love my work and that is also what completes me. Leave alone a few days, I can’t imagine a day without looking at you both and holding you both in my arms. But when I’m able to support the family financially (in whatever little way), I feel equally overwhelmed. On your first birthday, I strongly pray that both of you can find your passion and purpose. 

As preachy as I can get, I want to share two very important lessons with you (yes, already). Though I don’t want you to get drowned under the weight of my (our) aspirations, but I already imagine both of you in either Harvard or Stanford (you have that choice). I miss having that proper qualification, and trust me I strongly believe that it really matters, really, really does.

Here is the first.

When I was in the 10th standard, just before my Maths board exam, I cracked up. I had a tutor, at that time, who told me something that still resonates. I cried inconsolably and thought I couldn’t appear for the exam. He told me that the board exam is a minuscule exam compared to all the other exams that life will throw at me (at least I had the time to prepare for the Maths exam). Most of lives’ exams will give no preparation time. It was something that was told to me almost 21 years back but I still remember these words as they were so so true.

I want you both to know that you should never be afraid of any exams or difficulty. We got your back, always.

And here comes the second.

There have been a lot of people overly concerned, lately, inquiring if you started to walk and then drawing comparisons. I have been confused about the reason for such urgency and trying to make everybody to be a part of a race. Shreya and Shivansh, please remember that your mom and dad are not in a hurry and intend to remain so. Do not feel inferior if you are behind. Never get lost in a race. Just remember you are unique, enjoy that and give your best. If you fail, keep trying.

In the last one year, I’ve learnt a lot from both of you but you know am a bad student. Every day I look at you both and feel envious. Why can’t I be excited about such little puny things? Why can’t I be as forgetful and as forgiving? Why can’t I be as happy and as carefree? Stay the happy and beautiful babies that you are.

While I die of worry about my weight, work and our dwindling moolah, you both sleep like (the way you should) babies. I wish we can give you both the right rearing so you continue to sleep like that.

So much yours that even your dad feels like a stranger – Your mom

Letter to my son, Shivansh

Dear Shivansh,

You are by far the cutest and most adorable person that humankind has ever seen. If Shreya brings us a smile, you give us reasons to laugh. You have the brightest and most brilliant smile. As much as you look like your dad, I wish you are a noble soul like him and more.

What people mistake as an easy-going attitude is actually your dad's ability to absorb all worries, especially of the people he loves. Learn to be jovial, at all times, laugh often, celebrate everything small and appreciate the simple things. Trust me, it will help you through the tallest difficulties and more importantly gives immense strength to the people around you.

I want you to become a person who knows the difference between ego and self-respect. If you can keep your ego aside and be selfless, you can have meaningful relations and real friendships. But in being so, don’t forget that it is important to know when and how to say ‘no’.

I want you to learn to do every chore independently without thinking you're not meant to do it. I want you to respect every person, irrespective of who they are, and the ones who teach you something right, more. I want you to be inquisitive and have the passion to explore, who knows one day you can uncover what you're meant to do. I want you to have the wisdom to understand your limits and never mistake them as your limitations. Be unafraid to try new things and have the zing to keep trying lest you fail.

I never want you to feel superior for who you are or where you come from and never ever feel inferior for what you may not have. I wish you oodles of confidence to be a go-getter.

The problem most of the parents have is that they expect their children to seek them just as they did as kids. My wish, Shivansh, is that may you grow so sensible and mature that you never have to seek your dad or me. And if you ever do, remember that we are always there for you.

And please keep smiling. It is now the reason we wake up every morning.

Committed to you for life,
Your mum



 

Letter to my daughter, Shreya

Chanda Kochhar did it, then it was Narayana Murthy. They gave me some inspiration and here is my letter to my daughter, Shreya.

Dear Shreya,

Long before you came into my life, I had longed for a daughter. You are my dream come true. Of course, our man Shivansh is the cutest and dearest bonus. I always wanted to raise a woman who is strong, courageous and independent. My mother has imbibed whatever courage I have today and she taught me about hope and not giving in. She taught me not to exhibit one’s fears or tears and be bold to face challenges head on. She taught me the importance of being independent and to have a mind of your own and I want to pass on all that to you and more. I do not wish that you become like me coz I am confident that you will be way better.

You are just three months (and a few days) but seems like I have known you forever. At that small an age, you don’t know but you have immense power. Your smile melts both your dad and I in ways we have never known before (dear Shivansh, your smile is as powerful and I promise I’ll cover that in another letter). Your tiny hands and feet are the most wondrous creation ever crafted by God. Every time you goo goo gaa gaa, we fall in love with you more than ever before.

People guess that you look like someone and then someone else in the family but honestly, I don’t care. And I want you to know that whoever you look like, you are and will be my strength and pride. I want you to know that your looks don’t matter but the person who you become does. I want you to understand the power of simplicity in all aspects. I shall leave no effort to make you an extremely strong person who is not terrified of anything whatsoever. I want you not to blindly follow our beliefs or that of anyone else but question everything. I want you to think intelligently, make decisions independently and have the wisdom to decide the wrong from right. I want you to be extremely confident and mature but not vain or self-obsessed. I want you to have the courage to slam any person who does wrong or tries to impose their ideas upon you.

I named you Shreya as I believe (much before you were born) that you will be tremendously talented. I pray that God gives me the sense to recognize that talent in you and be able to nurture it. I want you to know Shreya that it is your talent that can take you places and no other person or luck. Never blame people for your circumstances but have the courage to take onus of your actions. Never forget to be grateful to whoever teaches you a lesson. Never be afraid of any hardships and, at all times, have the fearlessness to face them alone and be aware that I am always there for you.

I know that this letter has many ‘I wants’ from mommy but I do hope that you have the prudence to decide and become the best of what your dad and I want and wish, and be much more. It is inadequate to say that I love you since what I feel for you is way stronger.

Committed to you for life,

Your mum

We have an eccentric mom

A debut blog of Shreya and Shivansh 

We have an eccentric mom. Not that at almost two months we have seen many moms to compare and conclude that but her behaviour is defintely not normal. We mean who stares at sleeping people and that too for hours. Being concerned is one thing but to just keep staring while we try to dream of the little world we've seen so far. It totally is not cool mom...makes us uncomfortable.

You take shots of our hands, feet, cheek, ear and here we thought you had some photographic aesthetics. We fear the day you will be taking shots of our poop, talking of which reminds us please stop discussing our poop with the docs...it's totally embarrassing.

And yes, stop googling about every little problem that you think we might have.

And then the other day you were howling while we were getting the vaccination. You know we panicked all the more to see you like that...this was just our first and there will be, not that you don't know, many more to come. 

We know that look when someone else tries to handle us (which you actually think is mishandling) and you totally conceal your anger with a forced smile. Chill and a get a life. Do your Starbucks and movies with pops and trust us we will be fine.

While we waited inside you, you promised that you will be the coolest mom and now you show little signs of it. It's a total breach of contract and we can't even go back inside now.

We hope you do understand that we will have our  wings sooner than you like and we will fly...and we don't want to do that always thinking of a leaving an anxious mother behind. 

Mom, you can do better than this.

The overnight mom

Isn't it obvious? Obvious that my blogger instinct peaks on becoming a mommy.

But it's strange that I didn't become a mom during the 9 months I carried my babies. I was only too relieved to have become pregnant and gotten rid of the self inflicted burden that I carried for so many years. Neither did I become a mom the first time I saw the babies, which apparently was lying in the OT getting myself stitched up. I spent the first night getting painkiller shots, trying to sleep and wondering how long my incision was. My babies stayed in the nursery that night.

The next morning they arrived with their angelic faces and so did a string of visitors. They slept through most of the day and allowed me to nurse my growing pain and inability to walk. But what followed at night...was totally unexpected. The babies cried and howled and I had no clue how to calm them. I felt responsible and extremely responsible...I was desperate to take care of their needs. It was then that a realization came...Sumit and I had made a commitment without even knowing we did. A commitment to our babies and that too for a lifetime.

When they grow up, I don't want them to be burdened thinking of the sacrifices I made or that I had been a cook, maid, driver, and what not for them. Why blame them for a choice I made and which they didn't ask for?

I'd like them to know how I became the overnight mom. I want them to know that I never believed in love at first sight...still don't.  But they defintely made me believe in love at first night.