The place we call home

It’s so easy to aspire but difficult to transpire. Everyone dreams of a bigger home and when our time has come, it feels I leave behind a part of me. When does a house become almost like your child, it’s hard to say. Somewhere between its walls and windows are the carefree days, the chilly nights on the terrace where we watched the stars and the planes, the barbecue with friends, the scenic and not so scenic view from the balcony. We hardly took holidays since this place has given us days of 'eat, sleep and then repeat'. It’s been our party house, the place where we could see and touch the raindrops, it's been my cozy hideout during pregnancy. The movie house, our binging ground, and a place where peace prevails despite an absolute noisy neighborhood.

It’s a place where we have grown (in size, only I) and learned how to manage on our own. From the disappointing heartbreaks, this home has seen us celebrating for so many reasons. The little playground for our monkeys, and their small place to play hide and seek.

They say it takes years to have the house your heart desires, I say it takes a lifetime to get a home out of your mind. Some day as we will sit back to sip our coffee at leisure, I know for sure, that we will be missing this place where we feel at home, and all the memories that we have created here.

Luxuries I can afford no more

It’s strange that I don’t have childhood memories of a time when I was very young. It begins with a time when I was 10 or 11 years old. Every evening, after my homework, my ritual was to invade the neighbor’s house to wake up a sleeping friend to persuade her to play. Or go to this friend who stayed two blocks away and had a lush green park where we could play for hours. As the evening turned darker, I would return home to my hot dinner. If at all, my mom had to call me home early, she would call the aunt’s landline and that aunt in return screeched from her window and conveyed mom’s message. At the age of 10 or maybe younger, I remember going to the nearby market alone for my fill of candies or chips and I also remember helping mom with some basic errands like buying the groceries and vegetables. I had my own garden and explored every bit of the fallen leaves, dug out stones from the mud, played with the insects and walked bare footed on the grass. I played there alone for hours, and a lot of times with friends and cousins.

All of that, yes all of that without any mobile phones or staying connected at all times. I am not here today to rant about how technology or mobiles have snooped into our lives and spoilt every bit of a slow and simple life.

My concern is a different one.

I so hate to admit that I wouldn’t allow Shreya and Shivansh to enjoy the simplicities that I enjoyed. These simplicities are luxuries now that I can no longer afford. The newspaper, every day, has some or the other terrifying incident that makes me protect my babies all the more. Am I turning paranoid? Perhaps I am. Honestly, I hate this city for turning me into a terrified mom and a scared person. I hate this place for the rash and drunken drivers. I hate this place for the increasing number of monsters. I hate this place for people ready to stoop low. I hate this place for the pretentious who think everything starts and ends with their façade. I hate this place for the callousness and casualness for kids and the elderly. I hate this place of its insensitivity. I hate myself for hating everything so much and not doing anything about it.

And rapists, I don’t even want to start talking about them. I wonder how many petitions it will take to stop it all. I’m not sure how many Facebook posts and shares will make them vanish. As I write this, there a monster walking free and unaffected, making more of them fearless and monstrous. 

Let's find us together

Your tiny arms around me,

Feel like the first rain drop,

In a loving embrace with the dry parched ground,

The ground that wishes to embrace all of you.

That little mischievous curve on your lips,

Feels like the first rain drop,

Infusing life in the dry and lifeless leaf,

The leaf that wishes to thrive on your liveliness.

You drench me to exhausation,

I want to be drenched more,

I am totally lost,

Don't leave me behind,

Hold my finger, hold my heart,

Take me with you to find us together.

Letter to Shreya and Shivansh on your first birthday

Wow, has it already been a year? So dear munchkins, sorry but your mom is not going to say the usual. Both of you can (probably) already sense that you have an eccentric mom.

Yes, you both have completed me in unimaginable and the most loving ways but I love my work and that is also what completes me. Leave alone a few days, I can’t imagine a day without looking at you both and holding you both in my arms. But when I’m able to support the family financially (in whatever little way), I feel equally overwhelmed. On your first birthday, I strongly pray that both of you can find your passion and purpose. 

As preachy as I can get, I want to share two very important lessons with you (yes, already). Though I don’t want you to get drowned under the weight of my (our) aspirations, but I already imagine both of you in either Harvard or Stanford (you have that choice). I miss having that proper qualification, and trust me I strongly believe that it really matters, really, really does.

Here is the first.

When I was in the 10th standard, just before my Maths board exam, I cracked up. I had a tutor, at that time, who told me something that still resonates. I cried inconsolably and thought I couldn’t appear for the exam. He told me that the board exam is a minuscule exam compared to all the other exams that life will throw at me (at least I had the time to prepare for the Maths exam). Most of lives’ exams will give no preparation time. It was something that was told to me almost 21 years back but I still remember these words as they were so so true.

I want you both to know that you should never be afraid of any exams or difficulty. We got your back, always.

And here comes the second.

There have been a lot of people overly concerned, lately, inquiring if you started to walk and then drawing comparisons. I have been confused about the reason for such urgency and trying to make everybody to be a part of a race. Shreya and Shivansh, please remember that your mom and dad are not in a hurry and intend to remain so. Do not feel inferior if you are behind. Never get lost in a race. Just remember you are unique, enjoy that and give your best. If you fail, keep trying.

In the last one year, I’ve learnt a lot from both of you but you know am a bad student. Every day I look at you both and feel envious. Why can’t I be excited about such little puny things? Why can’t I be as forgetful and as forgiving? Why can’t I be as happy and as carefree? Stay the happy and beautiful babies that you are.

While I die of worry about my weight, work and our dwindling moolah, you both sleep like (the way you should) babies. I wish we can give you both the right rearing so you continue to sleep like that.

So much yours that even your dad feels like a stranger – Your mom