Letter to my future son-in-law

I turned into an emotional dynamite with a wedding in the family recently. It was fun, glum, exciting, bittersweet – basically it felt like emotions were on a wild rollercoaster ride. While I have a lot of respect for our rituals, there are some, I feel, are no longer relevant. Therefore, I am compelled to write to my future son-in-law. I might write to my future daughter-in-law someday but basically (if you are reading this)  do whatever you feel is right (and if I turn into the evil grumpy mom-in-law someday then just make me read this).

Dear future son-in-law,

Congratulations on getting married to the most beautiful girl in the world. I love her so much that I could have gotten married to her myself and made her sleep over me till my last breath, but I think she needs a break from me.

You need not call me something you do not feel so you can refrain from calling me ‘mom’. It will be a big deal if we can have a friendly chat over coffee. As you wed the best person, I hope we can celebrate together, perform rituals that are meaningful and not regressive and patriarchal. 

There shall be no ‘kanyadaan’ (and I have been thinking about it before Dia Mirza). We do not possess our daughter and cannot pass on someone we do not own. Redemption of our sins will not come from donating our daughter, but with good deeds. Back in the days, father would handover the responsibility of their daughters to the groom. I am sure that my daughter, like most daughters, will turn into someone who takes her own responsibility and manages a relationship of equals with a lot of maturity.

She will not throw rice on her ‘vidaai’ as there is no need for her to thank us. We bring children to this world for our own gratification and then expect gratitude. How unfair. She is, and always will be our extension, and there is nothing in the world we would not do for her.

This letter might sound feminist today, but I hope by the time you read it, it’s pertinent. It will take a long time for me to accept you since you are taking my heart away. I will, however, start to like you if you indulge her like we do, and be the reason that she smiles every day. Do not compartmentalize her into your or someone else’s expectations but let her be. One of the perils of having kids late in life is that you are not sure how long will you be around. But I am glad that you know how I feel and will honor it lest you want to be haunted.

From a MIL who can hopefully be your friend someday,

Shilpa